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Why is ex husband so mean?

First some background....I married my best friend, soulmate, the love of my life. He was a very gentle, loving, and kind man and I thought the world of him. I got pregnant a couple of months after our wedding with our 1st child. After that, he went through a difficult circumstance which forced us to be separated from each other for two years and of which I found myself having to support the family and raise a baby by myself but we found every opportunity to be together when we could. We loved each other very much and longed for the time he could finally come home. Before his homecoming, I got pregnant with our second child. He came home 4 days after the birth and it was an exciting time because he was finally home with us. Well, I didn't realize that I was experiencing alot of depression from all the circumstances and baby blues and so sometimes I was rather irritable and just not myself. I felt him withdrawing from me and so I would get upset about it and ask him what I was doing wrong but he wouldn't answer me. He rejected me sexually for over a year and a half and it was horrible. I loved him deeply and knew I was probably coming off as needy which I didn't want to do but I was in a very dark emotional state then and I really tried not to be that way. One day he came to me and told me that "he loved me but he was not in love with me" and that I was more like a sister to him than a lover. I asked him if he was cheating on me and he said "no". I believed him because I felt I could take him at his word. But I still felt that nagging feeling that something wasn't right. About three weeks later, after our 5th anniversary, he told me he thought we should divorce. I agreed only because he was so depressed and angry towards me and at that point I didn't know what to do. I really wanted to work it out and I told him so. I even suggested we date each other again so we can work out the issues and he agreed. I moved out because we rented a house and I couldn't afford it. After I moved out, he told me that dating was not an option anymore. I was crushed. A week later, I received divorce papers in the mail. I was shocked. Two months later he was living with another woman. After that, he became a different person. He was cruel and nasty to me, even to his little ones. This has been going on for 7 years now and our children don't want to go over there. I don't ever say anything bad about him, ever. I encourage the kids to go and enjoy themselves if they can. But he has married this woman and they have a child together and my children pretty much end up having to babysit when they go. I don't complain accept when I feel he's done something that was completely unacceptable with the children and that's not too often. Other than that, I leave him alone. I'm not trying to get back at him in any way. I try to foster respect for him with the kids but he's demolishing that so it's getting harder. Can someone tell me why he is being so hateful?

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Comments

  • My mom told me that you never really know someone until you put "Ex" in front of their name.
  • Beats me. But obviously he has little skills in expressing his negative feelings proportionately and in time. Instead, disappointments boil inside until he is full of poison Obviously he felt trapped too, imagining a blissful reunion and finding something else - a situation where he would have suddenly needed to be very grown-up, which he obviously isn't. But it can't be the only explanation. I can only feel painfully sorry for you and maybe suggest that you might ask him why. But asking might make things worse if there is an amount of guilt mixing in his anger.

    And then I can tell you about my father and a man I fell in love with for the first time in my life, at 38. I have loved my previous men too, but never trusted them before in the way that makes falling in love possible. This man I originally didn't think of as a man at all, as he obviously had some serious mental problems. But I started seeing myself in him, as we both had abusive mothers and similar problems growing up, and were of the same age too. He had just solved those problems in the opposite way, and he was in many respects like a mirror image of me. He was right wing where I was left, he was openly sensitive whereas I am hiding mine under superficial fierceness, etc. And we were both very smart, but in opposite ways. So, I started to imagine that we could somehow make each other more whole. And maybe we did. But I grossly underestimated his problems. It is one thing to be the daughter of an angry but clingy mother who makes you feel both rage and pity, and a much worse thing to be the son of one. He was a total slave to his mum, and the two pulled me into a strange game. I realised soon that his mum was way crazier than mine. It took me really long to understand that he was made in the same mold. She was quite probably a narcissist, and as long as he was growing under her shadow he was a meek and soft man, very tender and adoring and quite a doormat to his former women. My fierce love might have nourished his wounded ego so much, that now after the relationship has been over for some time (I saw what was coming and ended it but we remained in friendly terms, he knew too he couldn't take the pressure of his mum hating my guts much longer), his inherited patterns of how one can behave once feeling powerful are showing. He has little respect for my rights and treats me so unkindly that I would just love to kill him. But then, he didn't have that respect before either, it just didn't show much under the adoration. But the change in his attitude drove me into a state close to PTSD, as will happen to narcissist's victims. This man too felt trustworthy and honest, but he had learned only superficial honesty to avoid difficulty with his sharp mum. But he lives in a lie and has been telling me one lie after another ever since he feels he needs not fear me. And of course he doesn't think he can be a bad person as he only wishes me well even though he burned my books etc. So, no point in asking or showing the mirror - he will always be the prince on his white horse. I just wasn't the right woman after all... I happen to know from others, that the same month when he was still complaining to me how he could think of little else besides me, he paid his very dear money to go on a speed date, and two months after he was very much in love although I was the love of a lifetime. Strangely easy, when I could hardly look at men for a year, and romantic comedies make me sick.

    The saddest part is, I haven't spoken to my dad for nearly that year. After months of repeating the question to the walls: what is wrong with me that I didn't recognise the fraud, I ended in a huff with father and couldn't do anything to end it when I realised that he was doing many of the same things with me. Very convincing but still superficial tenderness combined with total unwillingness to admit any fault in himself even when my happiness was at stake. He too lives in a dream where he has a perfect daughter, and if I don't behave, I'm simply given the cold treatment. Oh yes, my grandmother was abusive and pity-demanding too... Now I feel very much like a link in a horrible chain, and suddenly I am glad for the child that I miscarried at 3 months. I can imagine how horrible its life could have become. It was my only chance of having a child, and I very much wanted it despite the circumstances. Now though, I can only feel relief. And of course, rage, sorrow...
  • your exhusband probably has deep seeded problems and is not happy with himself therefore cannot be happy with anyone else. unfortunately i believe the court system makes it too easy for people to have kids and divorce . the only one to suffer is the kids and no one wins a divorce so you may suggest counseling and honesty with himself.

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